today i saw the sky come crashing down.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted on this blog. I just had a good read over all the previous posts, and wow, have I changed. Or rather, haven’t changed.
At least I ended up taking my own advice, pity it hasn’t been working as well as I hoped.
I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing at the moment. I feel lost, trapped, forgotten, misplaced. And I don’t know how to fix any of it. I don’t feel like I really belong anywhere.
I’m so behind on uni work, it’s ridiculous. I now have 3 overdue assignments. I have 4 subjects. Should I even be at uni?
I also need to work more. Must talk to Sean about that.
I should be at Next right now, watching Click On Colour. Reason why I’m not? Laziness. Not because I’m too lazy to go, but because I’m too lazy to do everything else that needs to get done before I can go.
Pretty much sucks.
On the other hand, The Getaway Plan is tomorrow. I’m very excited. Lots of hangs with some of my favourite girls, and then some of my favourite bands. And I’ll be seeing 2 of them twice.
Wish I was going to see The Audition on Saturday night as well, but I don’t have any money. Instead I’m going to see a play called ‘The City’ (which I have to see for drama) with one of my favourites, Samantha French. I haven’t caught up with her in forever because she has year 12, so it is going to be amazing.
I should probably either go to bed now, or go clean my room. Probably a bit of both would be great, otherwise no TGP tomorrow for me.
This was such a pointless post.
down&out
it’s time to take my own advice.
Not that anyone would really care, but I thought I’d tell, well, the general public this anyway.
On Friday night, I was standing at the Info Booth, showing my best friend of over 6 years around and stuff. At one point, she asked me if I’d rung Swinburne to see a psychologist yet. I kept my head down, and replied that I hadn’t. And she playfully punched me and asked why I was doing the gig then, if I couldn’t even ring a psychologist up for myself. So yeah, I shouldn’t have been doing Breaking The Silence, when I really don’t even care enough about myself to do something.
But I’ve decided that has to change. For too long I’ve put everyone else’s problems in front of my own.
Today, while I was in the car on the way to Doncaster to drop off all the equipment with Dad, he [Dad] asked me if I wanted to come to see a psychologist with him. My Dad never admitted he had depression or anxiety, although we all knew. He never ever talked about it with us at all. The fact that he was so honest about it, and about taking medication, and that this was all actually helping him and that I can actually see the difference in him has inspired me to take up his offer to check out his psychologist and maybe give her a go.
These thoughts have become so routine to me that I hardly even notice them anymore.
I hope she can help. Before I get into the mindset of last December again.
rumble.
I don’t know if rumble is a word, but it makes me think of rumballs. And those are yummy. Whatever.
I’ve had a pretty… good weekend, I guess. I can’t really make up my mind about it. There are just too many components to consider.
Friday night was pretty shit. I was sick and at home when I should’ve been at one of two gigs at least. But I did watch You’ve Got Mail with mum, and then Fool’s Gold on TV.
Saturday morning, I picked up my new MacBook (which I’m posting this from at the moment) and then went to Fist2Face. The best part of that whole experience was probably being in Eastland. I didn’t really enjoy it at all because of the ridiculous rain and the fact that my back was completely soaked through, which was a real pity. I did sell 4 tickets to BTS though, which I guess is good.
That night, I somehow convinced my dad to take me to Fitzroy for another gig. That night was the definite highlight to the whole weekend, even if I spent an hour in a bar by myself. My favourite bands sharing the stage, and partying with awesome people made me forget that I was supposed to be in Adelaide. I also watched Click On Colour get signed (a full 2 years after they began and since I’ve known them) which was amazing. Brittle rocked the night. I was also fairly tipsy by that stage, so I danced the whole way through the set with Justine. I also met Jess’ new boss, Jade, who invited me to volunteer at Soul Fusion Records basically whenever they needed someone after Jess talked me up to her. I have Jess to thank for so much, how will I ever repay that girl.
And then today I got my hair cut. I’m pretty happy with it. It’s a different look to all my other cuts, but I’ll make it work. At least I don’t have dead ends anymore.
Anyway, now that Click On Colour are signed, (YAYYY) I know who I’m gonna try and get signed next. Even if it’s just an indie label, any band would be stoked on being signed. I don’t think I’ll spoil it yet, not even for them.
Anyway, that was my weekend. Sorry I don’t have any deep insights tonight. I’m gonna go charge this up now.
Toodaloo.
down&out.
sometimes you have to pretend everything is gonna be okay. this is one of those times.
I’m stressing. Even with everyone telling me it’s going to be okay, even with all the excitement. I can’t help but stress. And I can’t do anything about it. I feel like everything is out of my hands. I don’t even feel like I can look anyone in the eye. I don’t belong anywhere, and that hurts.
My family just doesn’t understand. No one really understands. But I love everyone for trying.
So I’m just gonna keep smiling, keep trying my hardest, keep making a fool of myself, and cross my fingers so hard they bleed.
i’ve been misguided by you.
Okay, I’m going to say this now. Please someone remind me about it in 5 years time.
I will never become a groupie.
I don’t really have anything against groupies. It’s not a path I would exactly choose for myself.
But now that I’m starting into this events business, it’s a path I would really like to avoid at all costs.
I want to be able to prove to myself, and to others, that you can get somewhere in this industry without sleeping with the lead singer. I need to know this is possible, otherwise I have no interest in venturing into this industry any further.
And just so we’re clear, there’s a difference between dating someone in a band, and being a groupie.
Girls, please respect yourselves.
she’s so scene, hollywood dreams. broken cause she’s no good at anything.
Today; I worked for 8 hours. From 7am to 3pm. Yes, you read that right. 7 fucking am. I had to get up at like 6. It was death. And I didn’t even get time to buy a V. Anyway, despite this horrifyingly early start, the shift ended up being quite good. A really nice manager was on duty, one that I hadn’t met before. Soooo many people were working, some good, some alright. People in back were realllyyy slow. And there was another newbie called Sam working on the fries. He decided we were now friends. I always attract weirdos.
In the 8 hours I worked, I saw a lot of people I knew. Within the first hour of my shift (actually, I believe it’d only been half an hour) one of the TC’s from my year level last year went through the drive through. Then it turns out the crew trainer on shift is another girl from my year level’s younger sister. Then my friend Clem walked in, which was pretty cool cause I haven’t seen her in ages. And then two girls in Yr 11 at Gen who I recognised/sort’ve knew walked in, but they didn’t see me. And then an ex-friend/someone I still can at least say hi to walked in and he gave me a funny look (I think he was surprised - last time he saw me working it was at Vic Gardens maccas) and waved, which was, you know, nice. And then as I was leaving, I bumped into Keshia who was waiting for her food in the parking area outside. And that was nice, cause I hardly see her these days, even though we’re not really good friends or anything like that. But it’s nice to see people.
Anyway, I thought how funny it is that it’s like so okay to say hello to people you are so not friends with, or have ever been friends with, from your old school because it’s all of a sudden acceptable now that we’ve finished school? I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it’s kinda funny to me. I’m also loling at how my sister will bump into Britt next week cause she happens to do the aftercare at Camberwell primary, and Louisa is doing work experience there cause Mum is working there at the moment. Oh dearrr.
Anyway, I had something else to rant about, but I’ve forgotten. So I’m going to shut up now :)
down&out
if i can prove myself wrong, show you i can be stronger than we thought that i would be.
I basically didn’t get any sleep last night/this morning. I think I finally fell asleep at around 6:30 or 7am. So I was pretty dead when I was woken up at 10. But it was a good wake up, because the lady from Beyond Blue was on the phone and she wanted to talk about a guest speaker for Breaking The Silence. Which is, you know, really exciting. Especially since I’d been thinking last night that I should just ring her up. And then she rings me up out of the blue, saying that basically they’re going to find a young person who can talk for around 15 minutes about their personal experiences, which is EXACTLY what I always wanted for the guest speaker. It’s kinda freaky really.
However, even with that amazing good news this morning, I still trailed behind mum half dead all day. We went to DFO, Carlton and Coburg. I did buy an outfit for Sunday though, because God knows I needed one. I desperately needed a V, but a nap when I came home had to do.
The most shocking news of the day was when mum went in to C.O.A.S.I.T and found out that the guy that ran the company had had a heart attack that morning. Mum’s know him for years, at least 20, yet she didn’t seem all that upset/shocked. I just couldn’t believe she could tell me that sort of news so placidly when I was shocked and I didn’t even know the guy. I guess everyone reacts differently to death. She also found out that one of the other women she’s known for ages has cancer.
I hate when I hear these sort of stories. About people just dying of heart attacks that morning. The news both intrigues me and scares me shitless. I’m always aware of death. It’s something that literally haunts me. Every minute of every day I think about how I could die right then, that a car could lose control and hit me and BAM! that would be the end of me. I know I shouldn’t think that way, but every time I hear about someone dying in a car accident, or getting run over by a train, or just in a freak accident, it fuels all these horrifying thoughts. And I can’t stop them.
And I so wish I could.
I know everyone thinks about death. It’s pretty natural. I’m just telling you about how I view life every day.
down&out
she’s a lady, and ladies shouldn’t be messed with.
As you can see, I’ve been listening to a lot of Say Anything recently. And I am quite impressed. I really can’t believe I’ve never listened to them before.
Anyway, I woke up at 3pm today. This meant a 12 hour sleep. I have no idea how I slept that long. But then I woke up and realised I had to call Michelle, and called Michelle, and we talked for a bit then it was decided I was going to her house. So I showered, failed at getting all the knots out of my hair, chucked on my Stealing O’Neal hoodie, grabbed my nearly-out-of-battery iPod, wallet and phone and walked to Michelle’s (stopping at the Milkbar on the way where I bought V and a strawberry Freddo and also managed to knock over the Chuppa Chups stand).
I was only at Michelle’s for 2 hours, walking home in the dark at 6, but we had a good ol’ time. It wasn’t like we did much at all, just sat in her fancy room in mood lighting and talked about our lives and how small a world it is. Like how I lived around the corner from her primary school all my life, and yet never knew her. It’s weird when you make new friends and realise that you’ve probably already seen them at least 10 times in your life, yet never knew who they were, never knew anything about them, or their family, and never knew that you’d one day be sitting in their lounge room talking about how that is all so absurd when you think about it.
I love having that whole “Were you at that gig/party/day?” conversation with people I’ve just met. It’s fun to see how many times you probably saw each other before you met. Or those “Hey, how do you know so-and-so?” conversations. I find it so interesting how everyone connects somehow. How you have to be so careful what you do/say to someone because you never know who they know. Or whether you’ll see them again in a different context and gain a whole new perspective on them, and suddenly you have to forget that first encounter otherwise it’s going to muck up your entire new relationship. Which needs to be kept civil and blemish-free.
I may or may not be talking from personal experience. I love indirect blogs.
That’s all from me tonight. Hope you enjoyed wasting your time reading my post. I also am glad I helped you procrastinate studying for exams/doing something productive.
down&out
you woke to the screech of the wheels on a runway.
Hi, this blog is basically where I’m going to dump everything I’m thinking about at the time. I usually write whatever song lyrics I’m listening to at the time in the title. So, as you can see, I am currently listening to New York (Saint In The City) by The Academy Is… No, I’m not an overly creative person.
So my last post is from something like September last year. I was still at school, and I still liked JD. Sabina’s 18th was the following weekend, which is why I had to slim down to wear a leotard. In 9 months, my life has managed to do a backflip, a few somersaults, and a handstand. Not to mention repeat itself. To go into details would take a lot more effort, not to mention courage, than I have right now. So you’re gonna have to deal with the basics.
In those 9 months I’ve also managed to grow a hatebase. That is, a group of former friends who now think it’s hilarious to post hate on my formspring. But let’s not go into those details either.
The point I’m trying to make here is… that I have no point. I am taking up your time with my stupid ramblings about my past life. I really need to get over it. Which is what I thought I’ve been doing, but I’m not so sure anymore.
I never wanted any sympathy for the hatemail I was receiving. I hardly expected to get it either. But that’s what friends do; they surprise you.
I really have no idea where this post is going. I am far too tired to care either.
I’ll probably post another in a few hours when I’m still awake.
down&out
xx
“where’s higgs?”
So, the year 10 theatre production was on tonight. Per usual, I was helping out, even though they didn’t really need it cause they’re so brilliant. Did have a really good time with them though. Those girls are the best. They did a brilliant job and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
It also made me realise just how much I am going to miss putting on & helping in gen theatre/drama productions. After 6 years of drama, I am going to miss that stage sooo bad. It will be one of the major things I will miss about secondary school.
I still can’t believe I’m finishing. I had P.E. for the last time ever today. Like, I will never have to wear these pants ever again. It is beyond weird to think of that.
Oh my god, I can’t believe this is actually happening.
I’m just realising now how much I will miss Gen. Sure, I wanna do my own thing and go to Uni. But ugh @ responsiblity and ugh @ not seeing my friends every day. How on earth will I survive???!!!
I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. I feel like crying.
And I’m hungry, but I’m not allowing myself to eat because I need to lose weight if I’m wearing a leotard next week.
Oh Dio.
